Life is a balancing act. It’s no grand revelation. But the phrase has paraded the streets of my mind for the last couple of weeks, and this is me calling in the parade director to halt its march and get it kicked off the line once and for all.
This is the B-side… the so-called conquered travel addiction in remission.
I jot a brief to-do list almost daily, despite my tech-savvy brother’s insistence that notepads fade away but digital note-taking, the one true way, lasts forever, an idea I agree with…kind of. I’m a writer who needs to feel that gorgeous paper fabric on my fingerpads as I ponder my next line and as I plan my day. Makes things tangible, achievable and brings them into existence outside my brain. As I let my fingers enjoy contact with my canvas, I scribble: “Organize room, do my hair, exercise, do some freelance writing, read the bible, pray…” etc. Yes, the items are mundane. I’ve got time management, initiative and tidiness issues. But writing these items and more, like "subscribe to freelancer site" and “find networking opportunities” don’t really relieve anything. They stress me.
Inevitably they form part of a list of decisions on how to spend my time during this cozy “9-5 job” moment in life that’s cushioned by no responsibilities (besides the debt I’m paying down), good, close friends and familiar avenues and street signs. Use my time to further my career through networking opportunities, blogging, freelance writing? Use my time to develop friendships and create new ones? Volunteer opportunities? Stay in and save money. Use my time to get out there more, find the man I’m gonna marry? All of these things at once?! How much time do I have? I’m hyperventilating. Words like “balance”, “choose”, “decide” and “sacrifice” travel my mind on a regular basis. I’ve entered my melodramatic mid-twenties, you see. I’m very aware. The “What am I doing with my life?” deal. One step in the wrong direction could be traumatic.
But when you’ve got no trip planning, you’ve got time on your hands to think. You’ve got life decisions to juggle…and balance. You either live your life in the now (what’s the next fun thing I’ll do after work and on the weekend) or work on your future (where’s the money going to come from), without the wonderful escape of putting together a trip or thinking of how great an experience climbing Machu Picchu would be, for example.
Life is a balancing act and it’s going on every single day, every moment and every hour. Perhaps that’s why even the idea of travel is enticing. Just thinking about it helps us escape the pressure to do this very moment in life just right, to-do list in tow, for the sake of our future selves.
I’ve been listening to John Mayer’s “Stop this Train” the last couple of weeks, some days on repeat. The man, regardless of whether you like him or hate him, whether you despise or fall in love with his music daily, is intrigued and frustrated by the momentum of life…and I can appreciate the feeling. The song goes,
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again I can’t take the speed it’s moving in…(and then)…So scared of getting older I’m only good at being young. So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun.
I don’t necessarily want to stop this train for good or go back home. But it’d be nice if stops at each station lasted longer, so I could step outside, take a breath, without fearing the train will take off without me. And somehow on this train I’m both the passenger and the conductor, and how do you manage that?
Undoubtedly, the question I ask myself throughout the balancing act is: Am I doing this right? And I realize a lot of that is me letting fear of the possibility of failure creep in. And I don’t know why I let it get to me. I hate that I let it get to me.
Fear, self-doubt, escapism… I see you hiding behind those bushes. I’ve got my fists up and I’m ready for a fight… God help me.
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